Boredom and hunger!

Soooo... I'm definitely bored and hungry as the title says...

I'm talking to the lovely Heather... yeah.

I hate feeling like my friends are annoyed with me... but sometimes it really feels like it. I know I'm probably wrong and I'm just feeling guilty but it still doesn't shake it. I wish I didn't have that audition tomorrow. College freaks me out! :( I'm sure if i knew of a place that liked me.. then I wouldn't be freaking out. But I don't. and my self esteem and expectations are low. Especially after UT didn't like me and TSU was like eh let me fix some real BASIC stuff on you... and emphasizing that I might try to try out yet again. :( Idk when she thinks that would be. So i'm SUPER worried. SFA seems PERFECT for me... minus the lack of friends there... or guys that i like at the moment. Is is bad that I like the place cuz it's pretty? That and the ppl are nice. idk. :/ it'd be really cool. there's a store w/ GF food a mile from campus... and tons of mexican food... IDK! ahhhh it's so scary. Amanda even knows where she's going and is getting tons of money! i don't wanna go on the what if i'd tried for voice instead rant :/ it's too depressing.

what to talk about then? this is my life. my life is changing. everything is being swept from under my feet. i just want to know what will happen to me. idk. so then i can either cry myself to sleep, or focus on getting to summer and having fun. Why do i like shy guys? I remember izzie claiming they make better bfs cuz they care more bla bla idk. and why am I so boy crazy? and why can't i not like every guy I become good friends with? Maybe cuz they're all great ppl? One in particular though but it would never work at least i don't think so. Stupid exbf of bff rule... i can't even convince myself it's ok when she says it's ok... she said that a long time ago.. i don't see what the big deal would be. idk. There's always that chance that it might hurt her... and I couldn't live w/ that.

Even the asking "hey... would it be ok?" thing... that's also crossing the line. they are OBLIGATED to say yes because they don't want you to not do something just cuz it bugs/hurts them. Just cuz he's absolutely amazing doesn't mean I should like him... :/ iiiiiiiiiiddddddddkkkkkkkk

Why can't I focus on the other guy? because it's taking to long and i haven't seen him in a month and it's saddening and i'm working on fixing that... i hope to be hanging w/ izzie and... yeah on saturday. that would/will be awesome. shy guys take more time to warm up to ppl. but it's better than having a ladies man T_T i've learned my lesson on that... i hope. ugh. completely full of themselves and jerks. unless you're they're best friend. it takes a LONG time to get from ex to bff... idk if it's even possible. we'll see. one of my exbfs wants to try hanging yet again. last time i screwed it up by obviously thinking about liking him again. he always knows. dangit. lol it was stupid of me... but what can I say? I don't know. I say that a lot.

so many boys so little time. but they're what keeps my mind occupied. and they're nice until you really start to go out w/ them. :/

 today was... pretty decent. I got a lot done in art for once. My mask actually looks like a mask! watch it explode when it gets burnished :/ ummm but yeah. i've still gotta make it look ugly but i think that i'm as far along as anybody else is in the class. so yeah. whoo! I screwed up my solo in band today... but i'm tired fool! w/evs. plus the fishy messed up worse. not that i should compare myself to a fish >_<

ahhh piano recital on tuesday!!! o.o and then i have to schedule my PAE recital... and bring mrs. venable all my bulletin thingis from concerts...

and prom is of course annoying me. ppl complain about prom drama.. but the ones who are complaining have dates. so i say to them "at least you have a date!" I just can't stand to see the picture in my head of what prom is supposed to be like... imploded because i can't find a guy. but i'm too afraid to ask any of them :( and any of them that i would ask i just don't think it'd be a good idea :/

ahh i'm so tired and i want to get some sleep... but then it will be tomorrow... w/ the tryout... i don't want it to be time for the tryout.

well i'm tired... i'll write more later.

This is me... and this is my childhood.

Isabelle and I talked a lot last night... Who knows how much sleep we really got. I was surprised I was able to stay up for so long having already taken my medicine. But I eventually passed out. The point is... life has gotten a little more complicated lately... funny how guys only complicate things... Idk why I even care or why I bother worrying about anything. Why do I keep coming back? Because I have hope.

so in this story we have some ppl:

"Mike" "Betsy"

"Holly" "Gabi"

"Katie"

and then some other ppl. Hopefully any readers who need to understand this will realize the first letters of the names are the same as the real ppl.

So. Mike. He starts talking to me again... what right before school started? yeah. and Holly was like no! that jerk! just don't even answer him. But I did. He seemed to be hinting at things... which bugged me aand Holly. Betsy was also there. 2 Betsy's actually... hah.

ummm... fast forward... Mike still talks to me. Says lots of really nice stuff talking about how he views me.  

Hold the phone. I need to tell the Mike story.

It's 1996ish. I'm in kindergarten. My best friends Wendy and Nancy (yes Nancy... as in Nancy... as in piccolo <3)>

So Justin was like so who do you like Grace? and I was like crap! I can't let them know I like the black guy who is really funny and can color well!

So I looked around the whole room and the last person I saw was Mike. So I said Mike! and he looks up suddenly like huh? lol he didn't even hear anything. Wendy and Nancy looked shocked/ticked. So apparently Justin told Mike later. He apparently thought it was a big joke and that I was making fun of him. So I didn't really like him at first but I realized hey... this isn't such a bad idea! and then when we were playing with legos one day I was like "so... you know I like you right?" and he's like "yeah..." and i'm like "well do you like me?" and he's like "well, yeah..." and I'm like "ok :)" and from then on it's all a blur of us being inseparable. When we'd walk down the hall since we couldn't talk we would do "sign language" lol like "you drive me crazy" and "you drive me nuts" that was really the extent of that. hehe. um and then of course we held hands eeeverywhere. Oh so during recess one day Wendy was like "We're not friends with you anymore." and I'm like "what why?" and Nancy was like "we're not?" and she's like "No. You like mike and so do we." and that was the extent of my friendship with them until highschool. :( and most of the guys thought it was really strange. i mean we weren't really supposed to like each other yet. :P there was a "court hearing" under the slide and everything. lol ridiculous. i got choked on the swing by Art and his twin... who i met up with later in middle school. we were kind of cut off from the rest of the class. farah sorta still talked me... but that was it. sigh.

so i had to move schools for first grade because back then i was really sensitive to stuff like paint smells or glues. totally screwed me over. so off to Routh Roach I was. Mike and I continued to talk on the phone, he came to all my birthday parties until like 3rd grade. And I never understood why he stopped coming. He doesn't know either. I tried to invite him. idk. between our moms i suppose. but in 3rd grade when i hadn't heard from him in foreeever... it was valentine's day. I got home from school and there was thing huge pink heart shaped box... filled with chocolate. :):):):):):) Now, I couldn't eat the chocolate, but that wasn't the point. My mom called his mom and said i was really happy and then I got to talk to him again after so long. I could sorta tell he was a little upset because mom must have said i can't eat the chocolate, but it's the thought that counts. ha. he didn't get that, and he hasn't eaten chocolate since. refuses.

In fifth grade, our graduation party at texas skatium. twas awesome. I was zooming around and all and all of the sudden.... mike is here? they told us we weren't allowed to bring friends... and yet... for some reason... which is still don't know... mike showed up. And he skated around and all... watched us get our diplomas... and at the end we were talking and his sister comes over and is like come on Mike stop talking to your ex gf we gotta go and he looks back at me and says ha you know she's crazy and i feel better and im like ha yeah. so he says bye grace! work on that skating!

that's pretty much it from my childhood on that note. but then you know the whole patrick thing...

and then now...

he had this dream about me...

"Well it went really fast. It was basically what my life would've been if we'd stayed in contact over the years we didn't talk. A lot of us walking around, holding hands. Stuff like that. Then right before you texted me I was... Well... kissing you. So there. That was the short version."

"I know why I had the dream. Just don't understand why I had it now. Lol// Yes ma'am very obvious actually. lol// It's because I'll always remember you as the first girl I ever thought of as perfect. Honestly, it sounds stupid, but I really never stopped thinking about you in a romantic way. You set the bar kinda high for what I look for in a girl. It's so weird. I never date a girl before seeing if she compares to you. I'm really sorry if I just made this awkward btw. lol But it's true. Even though we were kids, I never stopped thinking of you that way. Weird huh?"

then that night after he said all that he told me about how his grandma had this really fragile doll and his grandma is like "You should treat every girl like she's a princess" and he was like "i know it sounds weird, but you were always like my princess." and this kept going until he was like I just want one more chance. I'm not the same loser who took you out that one time. and I was like idk, i hate seeing you get hurt. and he's like ha i'm not as sensitive as you think.

I put all of these things so ppl can get a grasp of the... craziness that is... our... history. If you were in my place, wouldn't you want things to work out? Your prince charming? the guy you've knows almost 13 years? and he still hasn't given up on you?

The thing is... last time I went somewhere with him.... which was maybe the end of my sophomore year, i felt nothing, no chemistry. So... idk. I'm in a dilemma And here comes "Holly" deciding to like him! I'm like oh boy... this could get complicated.

what do i do? i don't know.

now you know.

dude.

ok. sooooo I......

think life isn't cool.

i mean in some ways it is.

right now, i know for sure at least one guy likes me. and there's another one i'm pretty sure about. they've both liked me forever + a day. one i knew about, the other... not so much. One guy I almost went out with. we were... "special friends" or whatever. but it sucked cuz he started smoking. ugh. it wasn't cool. so it never worked out and i found patrick! and he was amazing -_-

then the other guy i've known him.... oh lets see 7 years? at least. woah. and i always thought he was cute lol. we lived in the same neighborhood. and he became friends with one of my friends and all of the sudden we were all hanging out together. He was a nice guy and i've always thought highly of him or w/e. and the main reason i thought he was cute was cuz he looked JUST like the guy i was currently liking at school. for like 2 years.

anyway enough of that. i dont wanna think about it.

as i was walking away from lunch today i saw a certain guy in the hallway. i looked away quickly but not quickly enough for him to notice me and that i was looking and then idk y but i looked back again and he was still looking and he smiled a nice big friendly smile and i smiled back and then i looked away and headed up the stairs. o.o what to do what to do. i kinda gave up on him w/o even starting ya kno. and i already sorta said i'd give the guy up there ^ a chance. soo i'm sorta stuck. not that this guy is doing anything. smiling doesn't exactly constitute for a change in plans.

that's the only good guy news i have.

onto what's been bugging me. this house... i want to fix it. it makes me sad. it doesn't express who i am. not one bit it's not cool and funky like i've always dreamed. why does everyone want 2 remodel their room b4 their senior year? it's kinda annoying. i'll hardly ever be in this place again! HOW SAD IS THAT?!?!?!?! really sad.

there's so much i want to do these days. now i can't even remember what it was. :( i just hiccuped. just so u know.

doo doo doo. my friend at lunch today err slash before 3rd was like T_T what's wrong. hah she's good. everything's wrong nothing's right. i just can't think of anything mainly cuz i've already cried as much as i can about it all. now my school stuff is feeling a little better but i still have 2 tests to take. and lets not even START talking about exams and exemptions and crap. i realized this morning that i never really cry in front of anyone anymore. minus my parents. but i use to. amanda sure has seen me cry. the sad part is it's generally at my bday party.

speaking of which... ok. umm what to do what to do.

sleepover right? i can't deal w/ inviting guys this year. obviously didn't work last year. gah. when to have it. i think i might just have to have it be the 24th. cuz i don't want to have to rush to get on the bus cuz i kno all my friends aren't goin 2 camp.

but hey! at dinner that night at camp they'll say it's my bday and sing to me! yay! :D *brief happiness*

i wonder if it's too late to sign up for anyone of my friends who want to go. i'm gonna start making an event on facebook for it. whoo.

oh... that one guy in the hall... he wanted to try my cake. dang. eh. what's a grl to do. idk. he'd feel awkward anyway. i am going to make a list for the party right now.

peace.

First blog.

booored.

so i got this thing.

did i mention i'm bored?

i wish certain ppl were on...but i dont feel like talking...except 4 2 one person.

<3