I'm talking to the lovely Heather... yeah.
I hate feeling like my friends are annoyed with me... but sometimes it really feels like it. I know I'm probably wrong and I'm just feeling guilty but it still doesn't shake it. I wish I didn't have that audition tomorrow. College freaks me out! :( I'm sure if i knew of a place that liked me.. then I wouldn't be freaking out. But I don't. and my self esteem and expectations are low. Especially after UT didn't like me and TSU was like eh let me fix some real BASIC stuff on you... and emphasizing that I might try to try out yet again. :( Idk when she thinks that would be. So i'm SUPER worried. SFA seems PERFECT for me... minus the lack of friends there... or guys that i like at the moment. Is is bad that I like the place cuz it's pretty? That and the ppl are nice. idk. :/ it'd be really cool. there's a store w/ GF food a mile from campus... and tons of mexican food... IDK! ahhhh it's so scary. Amanda even knows where she's going and is getting tons of money! i don't wanna go on the what if i'd tried for voice instead rant :/ it's too depressing.
what to talk about then? this is my life. my life is changing. everything is being swept from under my feet. i just want to know what will happen to me. idk. so then i can either cry myself to sleep, or focus on getting to summer and having fun. Why do i like shy guys? I remember izzie claiming they make better bfs cuz they care more bla bla idk. and why am I so boy crazy? and why can't i not like every guy I become good friends with? Maybe cuz they're all great ppl? One in particular though but it would never work at least i don't think so. Stupid exbf of bff rule... i can't even convince myself it's ok when she says it's ok... she said that a long time ago.. i don't see what the big deal would be. idk. There's always that chance that it might hurt her... and I couldn't live w/ that.
Even the asking "hey... would it be ok?" thing... that's also crossing the line. they are OBLIGATED to say yes because they don't want you to not do something just cuz it bugs/hurts them. Just cuz he's absolutely amazing doesn't mean I should like him... :/ iiiiiiiiiiddddddddkkkkkkkk
Why can't I focus on the other guy? because it's taking to long and i haven't seen him in a month and it's saddening and i'm working on fixing that... i hope to be hanging w/ izzie and... yeah on saturday. that would/will be awesome. shy guys take more time to warm up to ppl. but it's better than having a ladies man T_T i've learned my lesson on that... i hope. ugh. completely full of themselves and jerks. unless you're they're best friend. it takes a LONG time to get from ex to bff... idk if it's even possible. we'll see. one of my exbfs wants to try hanging yet again. last time i screwed it up by obviously thinking about liking him again. he always knows. dangit. lol it was stupid of me... but what can I say? I don't know. I say that a lot.
so many boys so little time. but they're what keeps my mind occupied. and they're nice until you really start to go out w/ them. :/
today was... pretty decent. I got a lot done in art for once. My mask actually looks like a mask! watch it explode when it gets burnished :/ ummm but yeah. i've still gotta make it look ugly but i think that i'm as far along as anybody else is in the class. so yeah. whoo! I screwed up my solo in band today... but i'm tired fool! w/evs. plus the fishy messed up worse. not that i should compare myself to a fish >_<
ahhh piano recital on tuesday!!! o.o and then i have to schedule my PAE recital... and bring mrs. venable all my bulletin thingis from concerts...
and prom is of course annoying me. ppl complain about prom drama.. but the ones who are complaining have dates. so i say to them "at least you have a date!" I just can't stand to see the picture in my head of what prom is supposed to be like... imploded because i can't find a guy. but i'm too afraid to ask any of them :( and any of them that i would ask i just don't think it'd be a good idea :/
ahh i'm so tired and i want to get some sleep... but then it will be tomorrow... w/ the tryout... i don't want it to be time for the tryout.
well i'm tired... i'll write more later.
